Well here I am wide awake early, early in the A.M....gosh I heard of insomnia but this is just plain nuts ....I have went to doctor after doctor about this too and they all say the same thing, relieve my stress and it will all correct itself ....YEAH RIGHT ...now how am I supposed to relieve my stress when my life IS stress . Usually this is the time when I am a thinking mode and I tend to sit and think, think, and think way to much to the point it depresses me and then I end up in tears ... , so I really wish that I could sleep at nite because that way I won't be able to think and get all depressed and upset about my current circumstances in my life. There are alot of days where I just have to say to myself ...."Well it sure beats Hell"..... .

Last nite ...(meaning Thursday nite) I got to talk to my sweetie online and we had a pretty good conversation until I took something he said in the wrong way ....I just seem to misconstrue alot that he says over the computer, it's really hard to read him online ....I need to really start evaulating things a little bit better instead of jumping to the wrong conclusions and getting upset over it .....I am just to overly sensitive and I wish I could be less sensitive ....but that would mean turning into a man LOL....( not to say there aren't sensitive guys out there cause I know there are   but you know what I mean LOL. Then about the last half hour or so of our conversation we get interrupted by my best friend's 16 year old kid .....now he is like a son to me but last nite I wanted to beat him ...not that I would do that but I just need to vent because he was acting like one spoiled brat last nite and I was about ready to pull my hair out because I was sooo frustrated . So needless to say he kind of ruined the evening and I wasn't happy about it.

But my day went much better than my nite .....so thank goodness for one small miracle . I was busy though ....that is why I can't get why I am not tired ...I should be sleeping at this hour  but noooo I am wide awake . And I have tried everything from aroma therapy to drinking warm milk to taking a warm bubble bath, to putting nature Cd's on in my bedroom and doing relaxation techniques ...nothing works and it's frustrating  The only thing I haven't done is sleeping pills ....and I am not so sure if that is a good idea or not so I haven't even talked to my doctor about it yet. Oh well I guess I will just have to deal with it as best as I can. I just have to learn how to go with the flow as my 15 year old niece would say LOL.....

My niece sent me this name acronym generator thingy LOL ....intereesting words that it came up with from my name....and I have to say interestingly true with some of it.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.
From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects his heart
and his lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you.
I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully.

You are Lamentations.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I decided to take this challenge and took this little quiz ...got the idea from Kris's journal ...(thanks). At first the results stunned me but didn't surprise me at all because for about the last year this has how I have felt.....Life has been far from fun for me this last year   BUT with the love, help and support of friends, family and a very special man in my life I have made it through.  My faith in the Lord has also gotten me through because if it weren't for my Heavenly Father then I would be LOST. This year (2005) has been challenging to say the least BUT I have not been defeated and that is how I look at it. God has brought me through alot worse and He continues to help me everyday as I lean on Him.  I won't say that my faith hasn't wavered because it has .....there were times and still are times somedays that I feel I am all alone .....then I remember back to the story "The Footprints" .....where you thought that the Lord was not there in your time of need .....but you realize that in your Darkest Hour ....He was carrying you through life because you could not do it on your own.  I was raised in the church all of my life .....my dad always taught me to always lean on the Lord and I have carried that piece of advice through my 31 years of life ....and I will continue to do so. I know I CAN NOT do it without my Heavenly Father .....and it brings me comfort to know that I have Him in my life and He will never leave me or forsake me no matter what

Well here I am at almost 4:15 a.m and wide awake which is not good but I just could not sleep and it really is starting to annoy me a whole lot. But this has not interfeard in me being HAPPY becaue I am the happies I have been in a very long time. I am starting to feel like life is worth living again. I mean I would never do anything to end my life but the thought did enter my mind just for a second when things weren't going to well last week. But I have many things to be THANKFUL for and my therapist has pointed these out to me several times in my sessions with him but of course stubborn me wanted to just deny it and not listen. He is having me keep a journal and he had me list all the BLESSINGS in my life and earlier this morning I was reading them all again and they just jumped off the page and it struck me that I am very blessed and I need to be alot more thankful than I am . My blessings are as follow.........

Michelle's Blessings:

1. I have a wonderful supportive family who really cares about me.

2. I have wonderful friends who also are very supportive and care about what I am dealing with.

3. My sweetie...(he knows who he is) who is sooo loving, supportive, helpful and keeps me in line and on track and I love him a whole lot for it

4. my wonderful nieces and nephews ....they are all there for me and care so much about me....sometimes they have acted way more mature than me too.

5. God is number one in my life ...He has helped me to keep my strength and my faith in all that I have been going through for the past year or so....if it weren't for Him I am not so sure I would be on this earth right now.

6. My therapist has been a lifesaver ....I never thought I would see myself in therapy but it truly has helped me and even though alot of what I have to deal with has been painful and heart wrenching I have survived it and gotten through it and in the end it has made me a much better person and a happier person too .

So yes I have lots and lots to be THANKFUL for ....I am truly BLESSED and I almost forgot about these things because I was so set on concentrating about all the negative in my life ...but the positive does out weigh the negative that is for sure

Well I actually expressed my feelings last nite ....which is something I don't do very well because of personal isses and reasons. I guess there was alot more bothering me than I really realized or cared to admit to myself. I am just the type of person who bottles alot up and keeps things to myself whether I am bothered by it or not ....and it's not a good way to be, at least that is what I am discovering . The person that I got angry with though is a very special guy that I love alot ....and well it hurt me to even be mad at him ......because he did not deserve the temper tantrum that I expressed so freely to him online .....BUT darn it all I was mad at him but most of all I felt hurt and something inside me just decided to go totally off on him ......now would I have done the same thing in person? I don't think so ...I think I would have just pouted  and kept it to myself. At the end I did end up calling him and apologizing to him over the phone ....I thought he deserved to be apologized to at least somewhat in person and being that we are over 1100 miles apart ...the next best thing was over the phone.

But the reason why I am thinking "WOW" ....is because I feel happier today ..... and I am not sure why but I feel GREAT ....and believe me when I say I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's partly because I expressed what I was feeling to him ....although I have to learn how to do it in a more appropriate manner the next time around because like I said he didn't deserve to be screamed at like I did ....well screamed at over the computer is " ALL CAPS"  .....and that was not right of me! But I got out what I needed to get out to him last nite .....and after all was said and done and I apologized to him I felt better . This man has been there for me for the past six years .....he has helped me through alot of "hard times" I have been going through in my life and I love him to pieces for it.....he is my pure joy in life .  He is just wonderful and I have never felt love like I feel for him .........I just wish we lived closer to each other  but all in good time I am sure.

He will be happy to know that I took care of myself today ....something I haven't been doing lately ....which is not good because I am not only hurting myself but I know it worries him when I act like that .  I have had a weight problem for the past few years now and it's the one thing in life that has really challenged me .....and the one thing I want more than anything in life is to get the weight off once and for all ...........and I know I will be able to do it with his love and support. I have fought the disease Bulimia  since I was age 12 or so ....and I am still fighting it ....and this major weight gain hasn't helped me or the disease .  There are the good days but then there are the bad days .....and I know it's one day at a time is how I have to look at it ....and patience is key but there are days that I just can't seem to cope .........but then there are days like today that makes it seem worth it and makes me want to keep on going and not give up.

Well my weight is going up and down and it's really starting to annoy the heck out of me but it's my fault to why it's going up and down alot. Lately I haven't been eating as I should and that has to stop because I need to get this weight off. I need to make some major changes ......and I am trying but somedays with my emotional upheaval it's hard.

Some October Goals that I am setting are as follows :

1. No matter what I need to make myself eat all mini meals even if I am not hungry or my mood doesn't permit it.

2. Increase my 100 oz. water intake to 20 more oz.

3. Increase my excercising routine ....try to get walking in everyday ...not just every other day.

4. Start talking positive affirmations about myself ...to increase my self-esteem and self-confidence.

5. In order to stay out of my depressive moods and mood swings keep myself busy ....and excercise properly to beat these mood swings.

Current weight: 316 lbs.

Weight loss this week: - 1.5 lb. ...not bad but I know I can do better.

Well I am back home.......and I am glad to be back here somewhat. Houston made it through Hurricane Rita ....it missed us ....it was supposed to be a direct hit to Galveston but at the last minute it took a Northwest turn towards Port Arthur, Texas and Beaumont, Texas and parts of Louisiana. We still got hurricane force winds ....but nothing like was predicted a few days before ....in my part of town the winds got up to around 50-75 mph .......enough to do some minor damage and knock out electricity but that is all. I feel really lucky that Hurricane Rita didn't hit us directly ...especially when I look at what she did to other parts of Texas and parts of Louisiana. The worst damage done to my apartment property was alot of limbs and a few downed trees ....and our electricity went out due to the wind and blown transformers. Well the storm came through on early Saturday Morning ....2:30 a.m CST.....and by 9:00 a.m CST it was over but still windy with some rain but nothing much and nothing that this part of Texas can't handle either. I came home to no electricity so my family and I went to a friend's house ....but by Sunday 9 a.m our electric was turned back on which is the quickest ever after a strom hits around here ....but then just our luck our air conditioner decides to go on the fritz .....and because everyone thought this hurricane was hitting us directly .....the managment and emergency maintance guys all evacuated and were not on the property all weekend ...so needless to say we are in the heat and still are as I write this .....but we have been through worse so we are surviving with lots of fans ....and lots of drinking water to keep hydrated. Today the maintance guy is supposed to come early this morning and fix it ....at least I am hoping ...because the heat indexes today in the Houston area is supposed to be an all record high of 105-115 degrees......very hot for us this time of year. So that is what is going on in my neck of the woods .....to much stress that is for sure. Having to evacuate ....prepare for all that mess ....and then electricity being out ....then back on quickly only to find out our air conditioner broke ...

As far as diet goes ...I am doing ok for everything that is going on around me. Saturday was the only day that I didn't do well with it .....but getting all points in now....and definatley getting in all of my water because that is all I have been is thirsty with this heat. I got on the scale this morning ....and lost another pound ....not as good as I would like but it's better than gaining anything back. As far as any excercise this weekend ....I didn't do any because of all that was going on but I will get back on track with that this week. I hate getting out of routine because it's just that much harder to get back on track.....but I will get back on track, it is just a matter of time.

As far as my personal life ....well that sucks right now but I am getting through it all....slowly but surely..... I thought things were supposed to get better the older you get ....but it seems the older I get ...the worse things get for me....at least that is how it feels and it's frustrating. I have alot of things to be thankful for ....I have a great family and friends ....but when your not completley happy sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough. There are alot of things lacking in my life right now ....and it's emotinally hard on me right now. I have been looking at my past latley ....trying to figure out where I went wrong in alot of things that concern my life ......and it's frustrating when you can't come up with good enough answers for yourself. For a long time I have blamed myself for alot of things .....but now that I am past that I am trying to figure out the why's and when you can't come up with good answers for yourself then that is a definate problem . 

Today I am going to lunch with my dad .....so I am looking forward to seeing him and having lunch with him. He is worried about me right now because of the emotional state I have been in .....so I know this is why the second lunch this month. I try not to tell my dad much about my life as I used to tell him because I don't want him worrying and stressing over it ....he has already had one heart attack and I don't want him having another one .....that is something that I do worry about when it comes to my dad .....I am not ready to lose him yet .....so of course I worry about his health ....but I am trying not to show it because it just upsets him ......and I rather have him happy with me than upset with me on that point so that is how I keep it.  My dad is open with me on alot of things ....but his health isn't one of them ....so I respect him on that now and I just leave it alone .....although deep down it bothers me and it is always in the back of my mind. My dad has been there for every important milestone in my life ....and he has been there for me with the good times and the bad so I can't imagine him not being there for me one day .....I try not to think of it but I know it's reality and I know one day he will die .....but I don't think about it because it's just something that is painful to think about. There are alot of things that I wish now I would have listened to my dad about .....and there are alot of things that I wish he would have made me listen to him about .....no matter how unhappy it would have made me I wish he would have enforced alot of things with me while growing up......as a teenager I put him through hell ....until he finally gave in to what I wanted ....and at the time I was proud of myself because my dad has about the same stubborn streak as I have ...that is where I get it , and back then I thought that it was great that I broke him and he gave in to me ......but now I look back at that and I get really sad .....and I am not so sure if I could love my kid unconditionally acting the way I did.....or it would be hard to do I guess I should say.